dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
two words: eviction party
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.