Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
