??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
4 words: hood of his car
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
