U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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