I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
