How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
