I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
