I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
