my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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