she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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