I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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