You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
