My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
