nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
