Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
