yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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