one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
When did angry sex become our thing?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
