She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
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Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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