there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
