I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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