just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
