he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
