Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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