today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
