I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
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Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Your cock deserves a montage
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Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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