I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
