you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize