I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize