A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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