my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
