i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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