halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
