I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize