I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
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i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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