I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said