he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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