My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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