Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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