she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
