Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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