i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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