My nipple is on Facebook.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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