Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
