is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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