I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
