Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
