wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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