I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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