Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
