Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
