it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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