Pappa wants mamma naked
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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