Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize