apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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