this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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