you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
