is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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