Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
